The End Has Come

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I made it a little over two months at Walmart…and the end has come.

Yep, the disappointing string of embarrassingly short in-person jobs just got a little longer.

Believe it or not, I’ve decided to take a career risk

Back in my Jobs, Jobs, and More Jobs and Jobs, Jobs, and Even More Jobs posts (both of which I recommend you check out to fully understand the rest of this post), I recounted the stressful saga of my first go at full-time, online employment. Ultimately, my desperation for reliable work and pay ended up superseding my fear of social interaction and desire for the stay-at-home work experience.

Thus, my Walmart “career” was born.

Now, things have changed

Of course, the entire time I’ve been at Walmart, my dinky, part-time, online job has been offering an additional 10-20 extra hours of work on top of the base 20 hours.

Additionally, the second dinky, part-time, online job I abandoned for Walmart appears to be reliably offering the base 20 hours of work it originally promised, instead of being offline for a solid week (!).

I’ve even been contacted about eligibility for a third dinky, part-time, online job.

So, I’ve decided to leave Walmart and return to full-time, remote work

However, I’m wary.

Wary of the fact that even though both these jobs appear to have sorted themselves out, they are still unreliable to a disconcerting degree.

There’s no telling when the extra hours offered will end. There’s no telling when even the base hours offered will be unavailable. One or both these jobs may spontaneously end without any forewarning. The third job probably will not manifest at all.

Furthermore, to earn the amount of money with both online jobs that I’m currently earning with the Walmart-online job combo…

I need to work a total of 44 hours each week. That means relying on four extra hours being offered. Working just the base amount in each job – which will be the only option at some point – will leave me with roughly $180 less for the month – just enough to pay bills and feed myself, but not enough to add to my savings.

Knowing my luck, the moment my job at Walmart ends, so will the extra hours.

But when I successfully repress all these what-ifs…

I can acknowledge that my mental and emotional health are significantly better working fully online than even half online, half in-person.

During the glory days of that remote employment (i.e. when both jobs offered the work they promised), I experienced zero anxiety. In fact, sometimes I happily rolled out of bed in the morning, ready to tackle my work and earn some money.

I felt zero doubt in my ability to complete my tasks. I felt zero judgement because I wasn’t forced to interact with other humans, just a computer. And I felt zero worry about possibly needing to do something new on the spot; I knew exactly what to expect and those expectations were simple and few.

I felt completely secure and capable working those online jobs.

Contrast that with how working at Walmart makes me feel

And mind you, being a Walmart associate is one of the least stressful in-person jobs I’ve ever had. Don’t even ask me to think back to the terrifying, never-ending surprise that was music therapy.

As I mentally prepare to return to Walmart tomorrow after a weekend away, I feel nervous.

Indiscriminately.

I am having a perfectly relaxing day. I’m doing things I love to do. I’m avoiding people. I’m warm and safe in my apartment.

And yet, I’m nervous

My chest feels…not tight, exactly, but not relaxed. There’s something constantly nagging at the back of my mind.

I’m quiet. I don’t want to examine my thoughts. I don’t want to say aloud how I’m feeling. I just want to stay busy and keep my mind distracted with YouTube videos and music.

Every time I randomly think about pulling into the Walmart staff parking lot, I violently push the image out of my mind and try to refocus it on something else. My stomach lurches unpleasantly when I visualize walking through the store to the sporting goods section, where I’m stationed.

Now, granted, once I’ve finished my shift tomorrow…

I won’t feel nearly as anxious about the next day’s shift (my last one!). For some reason, the first day back after a break of 24 hours or more is very unsettling.

But sometimes these feelings do plague me in the middle of a week. And, at any rate, once a week is way too often to be feeling this uneasy, IMO.

I do not care to live my life this way if I can avoid it. And right now, I can likely avoid it.

I think I’ve finally fully accepted that I just can’t work jobs with other people…at all

It doesn’t matter what I’m doing, even if it’s organizing things on Walmart shelves. It doesn’t matter where I am, even if it’s a library or bookstore (yeah, I’ve done that, too).

If other people are involved, I will eventually get unsettled and anxious and need to get the hell out of there.

So, here begins part two of the online job saga

I really hope it lasts longer than part one. I’d love some reliable, peaceful, even slightly enjoyable work for at least a little part of my life.

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Epilogue

Just finished my last day at Walmart.

Is there any feeling more exciting and liberating than walking out of a job you don’t particularly love for the last time?

I did a little skip, put on some loud, kick-ass KALEO, bought some peanut butter ice cream, and sped down the highway (without getting a ticket!).

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Post featured image: “gasometer berlin” by RalfGervink

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