Starting a New Life is Hard

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I’m gonna say that again for the people in the back (and also for the Search Engine Optimization that I just learned about…): starting a new life is HARD.

And the self-doubt has begun

This always happens when I start something new nowadays. I get an idea for a fun project in my head and I’m all gung-ho about it; I manage to make a decent start on the thing but just before I share it with someone or send it off into the world, the pessimistic, overly-rational, joy-sucking voice in my head pipes up, “This is dumb. No one cares what you think or what you’ve been through. No one will like your ideas – they’re stupid, they’re weird, they’re unoriginal. You’re wasting valuable time just to make a fool of yourself. Your stories don’t matter, your thoughts don’t matter, you don’t matter. The best thing for you to do is to just stay in the background. That’s what you’re good at: fading away into the background.” Needless to say, I’m having tremendous difficulty combating these thoughts.

But it didn’t used to be this way

Back in college, no ambition was dumb, no idea stupid. As a music major, I worked hard and took the time to thoroughly learn what I needed to. That, in turn, bred a faith in my knowledge and skills which gave me the confidence I needed to achieve a high level of success. Although I was always nervous to perform, to share a part of myself with others, to open myself up to scrutiny, deep down I knew I had put in enough work to be successful. I knew that I was generally a good musician and performer. And so I was able to push myself way out of my comfort zone and pursue all of my musical goals without much input from that pessimistic, overly-rational, joy-sucking voice.

But now, oh, now

For reasons I will explain in later blogs, I no longer desire to do anything musical. I’m completely burnt out on performing and music therapy and I have so many other interests that I wish to pursue. But, because I do not have formal training in any of these other interests, I have no faith in my ability to successfully do them.

I want to write a book…

…(or several) but I have never studied writing or storytelling so how could I possibly achieve something so immense, not to mention do it well? I want to start a YouTube channel but I don’t know the first thing about making a quality video or how to write and deliver engaging commentary. I want to increase my following on Instagram but I have no idea how to boost my profile or get people to follow me. I want to start a blog but I have no idea how to do that. I want to be able to draw but I have no idea how to do that. I want to invest in something but I have no idea how to do that. I want to make a film but – guess what?! – I HAVE NO IDEA HOW TO DO THAT!

I’m immensely qualified for everything I don’t want to do but horrendously unqualified for everything I do want to do. And, to top it all off, somehow I have to make a living. But I can’t make money doing any of the things I want to do because I don’t know how to do them.

So I have to work menial, hourly jobs to scrape by because that’s all I’m officially qualified for outside of performing and music therapy. But because they are menial, hourly jobs and don’t pay that much, I have to work a lot of hours. So I don’t have time to learn how to do the things I want to do. So I can’t make money doing them. So I have to work menial, hourly jobs to scrape by –

DO YOU SEE HOW MUCH OF AN ENDLESS TRAIN WRECK MY LIFE IS RIGHT NOW??

And that is why the pessimistic, overly-rational, joy-sucking voice in my head says the things it says

It knows that I need money to survive and that I therefore cannot waste valuable time that could be used for making money simply so I can try things I’m not qualified for and that may not be successful (and by “be successful” I mean make money). After all, if I have no training and no track record in any of those things, why in the world would I be successful at them? I mean, come on. That just never happens to anyone…

As far as my cursory research shows, none of these people actually formally studied what they were/are most successful at before becoming successful at it. They just decided to act on their ideas and dreams and learned as they went along. In the meantime, most of them, if not all, worked other (dare I say “menial, hourly”?) jobs to make ends meet until they had developed their skills into financially viable work.

Seeing these names and reading the biographies and experiences of these people helps me silence the pessimistic, overly-rational, joy-sucking voice (at least for a moment)

And from that silence emerges a peaceful, quiet, firm voice, one that says, “Do it. Start. It will be worth it. It will give you joy and passion and a sense of achievement, and something meaningful will come from it. You don’t need to know exactly how to do it. You don’t need to do it perfectly. Just start. Just try.”

So this is me, finally starting, finally trying

I won’t do this new life perfectly. I might not even do it well. But I will try my best with what I have. And if I’ve learned anything, it’s that whenever I try my best, good things, meaningful things happen. And maybe eventually, some financial security may happen as well. But honestly, if I really reflect on it, God has always provided for me. And if that peaceful, quiet, firm voice is Him telling me what to do next, I think doubting whether or not I can pull it off is my biggest problem.

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*Attributions for “celebrity collage”: Theron: “Charlize Theron smoking 1” by Nicholas R. Andrew | Twain: Image by Jackie Ramirez | Rowling: “J. K. Rowling at the White House 2010-04-05 9” by Executive Office of the President | Cruise: “Volodymyr Zelenskyy told Tom Cruise about the benefits of filming in Ukraine” by President Of Ukraine | Tarantino: Image by Viki_B | Hitchcock: “Alfred Hitchcock Presents – Season Six” by monstersforsale | Van Gogh: Image by Prawny | Nolan: “Chris Nolan 2” by Peter Andersen

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