Jobs, Jobs, and Even More Jobs
Previously on Asocial Media: Our intrepid hero was in the midst of a financial crisis even after obtaining two perfect jobs. Will she find higher-paying employment? Or will she end up begging on the streets (okay, bit of a stretch there)? Stay tuned to find out!
Although I was quite enjoying and sustaining my fully online working life, it didn’t seem to want to sustain itself. For six straight days, my second dinky, part-time, online job glitched out, making it impossible to get any billable hours in.
With my savings rapidly dwindling, I knew I could not survive another similarly massive financial hit. I was taking no more chances. I finally desired security and stability above all else. And so, I knew I had to play the card I had been reserving for truly desperate times. The card I knew would immediately bail me out but might just destroy my soul and pride in the process. The card I wasn’t sure I could ever admit to using.
It was…the Walmart card
That’s right. My third and final job (so far) from my relocation saga is a Walmart associate.
I know.
Well, actually, I don’t know. I mean, I’m getting $12 an hour with the high possibility of raises in the future. I’m working the hours that fit best into my schedule. I’m often spending the whole time organizing shelves which I LOVE to do. I’m working with a really nice, helpful, nerdy guy. I’m accruing paid time off even though I’m only part-time. In another month, I’ll get a discount card which will save me money on groceries. And, after a year of work, I’ll start receiving full benefits working part-time. I didn’t even know you could receive full benefits at part-time.
Of course, there’s the considerable downside of having to leave my safe, little apartment to interact with loads of unpredictable people for an entire morning, five days a week. I absolutely dread what will happen the next time someone needs help mixing paint when my nerdy coworker is on his lunch break, because I still have no idea how to do that and I will look like a complete ass.
But so far, I’m really proud of how well I’ve been managing my fear of social interaction and of not knowing what to do
It’s like something’s clicked and my emotions are stabler, my coping skills so much more effective. I’m sure it helps that the social interaction that does occur is usually pretty successful and congenial: most people just want to know where random things are in the store, so I look them up on my employee app, tell them the aisle number, and that’s that. Then I feel buoyed and confident when the next person asks for help.
Honestly, it’s a pretty decent gig for my needs at the moment, and I keep telling myself that.
But there’s still that nagging feeling of belittlement and shame whenever I don my blue Walmart vest
And there’s still that urge to prove my worth, competence, intelligence, and high-achievement whenever a customer approaches or even looks at me. Seriously, I’ve mentally compiled lists of awards I’ve won, better jobs I’ve had, GPAs I’ve earned – did I mention I was Salutatorian in high school? It’s super pathetic. All this in preparation for those people who, I know, are looking down at me for working at Walmart.
But do those people really exist?
Or is it just me who is looking down at me? Based on the largely kind and respectful interactions I’ve had with customers and based on what I know from experience about my own judgmental nature, I’m pretty sure I’m the source of my shame.
I grew up with a professor and Dean of the Faculty for a dad. At least eight of my immediate family members had their own businesses at some point. One of my brothers is a brilliant engineer who has won awards for inventing things. Another brother is a science teacher. Still another is a pilot. Sure, a few family members work(ed) unskilled jobs, but not at Walmart. Nobody works at Walmart. Walmart is rock bottom. Walmart is the lowest possible job a person can have.
But of course that’s ridiculous.
Oh, but what about all the potential you’re wasting working at Walmart?
You could be a great musician! You could be playing harp in the Vienna Philharmonic! You could be helping people walk and remember things and interact with loved ones and live longer as a music therapist! You could be selling harp compositions and arrangements! You could be utilizing the music performance degree you put so much time and energy and money into!
Yeah, but I don’t want to do any of that
I didn’t enjoy being a music therapist and it brought me to a really dark place. I don’t derive any enjoyment out of making music anymore, probably because I was doing it for other people the whole time. And I certainly cannot perform anymore lest another panic attack consume me. I am finally strong and assertive enough to choose what I want now, not what I feel like I should be doing based on others’ opinions.
And I choose to stay at home – where I feel most comfortable and relaxed – as much as possible. I choose limited interpersonal interaction. I choose a work schedule that allows me time to write. And I choose jobs that pay me a decent amount in exchange for unskilled, non-mentally-taxing, emotionally-detached work.
And that means Walmart.
So learn to accept it, self
You’re not a lesser being because of where you work. You show up. You help people. You’re kind to people. You organize shelves. You put products back in the right place. You make positive conversation with coworkers. You perform tasks to the best of your ability. You earn enough money to support yourself. You leave a place better off than when you arrived at it.
Your work is not any less meaningful or important than a professor’s or an engineer’s.
Oh boy, that latter statement conjured up some kind of cognitive dissonance in me
I’m still having trouble truly believing it. Maybe I’ll never accept that working at Walmart is perfectly legitimate and nothing to be ashamed of. I hope I will eventually.
But until that day, I’ll just keep telling myself what I just wrote and hopefully, it will make a difference.
So that’s where I’m at in life right now
I feel like things have finally evened out. My schedule has become predictable and balanced enough to allow me to cook the food I need, exercise, clean, write, work, and run stupid, adult errands. This is the kind of stability and reliability I have been craving and it is such a relief to finally have it…yet another thing I can thank Walmart for.
And now it’s time for a well-deserved weekend (and maybe some time at my favorite bookstore).
Post featured image: “HMNI logo blue” by Hello My Name Is Records (edited by me)